From Her Lips To God's Ears.

The more I keep thinking about how much life has changed for me recently, the more horrible it seems to get. When Dad lost his job I just thought things would be okay, and in a way they are, but I just wish I could go back to being as happy as I honest to God was. I had so much to look forward to. I was so damned excited to be heading to Shepherd. Not just to get the hell out of this town, but to finally be on my own as I've always wanted it to be. I had already met someone there that I was really good friends with. Now I'm here for another year. In 9 days, if things would have went according to plan, I would be moving into my dorm. Instead, I'll be working at the pizza shop and maybe trying to get a different job.

Today I went to the mall to pick up applications for a few different stores. Walden Books, Radio Shack, GameStop, and MidAtlantic ProTel (You know, the At&t booth?) I almost cried on the drive home because that was the point where it finally hit me that I'm not getting out of here any time soon. Granted, I am extremely happy that we're still making it by. Hell, Mom even picked up a second job that isn't too much stress and pays well. So for the things that are vital to our survival as a family unit, we're doing pretty well. I just can't imagine what things are gonna be like on the 12th, though. To know I would've been moving in that day. That is gonna be a rough day, my friend.

I don't know what to do with my "love life" if that's what you want to call it. I am obviously not going to be with, you know, that one girl. That hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally snapped to and realized that she wasn't going to have the same feelings for me. It's still very nice to be her friend, though, so maybe things aren't so bad with her. When she goes to Shepherd without me, though, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I've been missing a certain one of my ex's a lot lately, but not in a romantic manner. Just in a friendship manner. We don't speak anymore, and when we do it's like we never knew each other. She came into the pizza shop the other day and it was probably one of the worst days I've ever had there. We didn't have any conflict with each other or anything, but just the face that when we said "Hey" to each other, it was like we were only ever acquaintances. For the love of God, I loved the girl. I just wish I wasn't struggling with the thought of her potentially hating me for no reason right now. Now onto the girl I currently am trying to make things work with. I. am. clueless. I think we're seeing each other tomorrow and going to The Warren to see Perfect Future's homecoming show, which should be rad. I just hope I maybe get some alone time with her just to talk. I feel like I only ever see her in a multi-personal setting, which kinda sucks. Oh well. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've been reflecting on some past decisions a lot lately. Realizing how much of a complete asshole I was to a few individuals, and I really wish I could take back what I did. I just wish that I could somehow fix things with these people and make them not hate me, but they have all rights to. I mean, I saw one of these people not too long ago and I said hey to them. That person ignored me. I can't blame them. I guess I thought that maybe time healed the problem seeing as how it was 4 years ago, but it didn't. I totally deserved it, though. I really fucked up. I know you're supposed to sort of live with no regrets and shit, but who can do that in all honesty? If I could go back in time and change anything, I would probably stop those events from happening. I feel absolutely horrible about it now that I've sort of matured.

I've had a headache for about a week straight, not a real strong one, but enough to annoy the shit out of me. Maybe I should just try and quit stressing or go see a doctor? I don't know. Or I could just talk to someone about all of this, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why, but I just can't.