Let's catch up on life, blog.

It's been a while. I've been in this apartment for....almost a month now. No complaints about the apartment itself. No REAL complains about life. Well, at least for this section of the blog.

Decided I'm going back to college maybe in the fall. But I'm on my own as far as that goes with financial aid. That's going to be awesome.

Made up with an ex. Became, actually, pretty good friends with said ex. That's all kinds of good.

Dogjaw is doing.......okay? I dunno. I feel like starting my own thing because I don't see Dogjaw as a touring band. As much as this is unfortunate........I'm not surprised. It's been pretty rad how many sweet shows we've played though. Not even going to try and lie about that. I've got to know a lot of really awesome people through playing said shows.

Now onto what in my life sucks right now, I guess.

Well, I started a job at ACS working for Aetna Medicare. Needless to say, I had to see something shitty coming. Working for a big corporation? Not really my thing. It was a full time job, though, and those are hard to come by anymore. So anyways, 2 days ago I am informed that "due to loss of work, we have to reduce hours." Hence meaning I get 20 hours a week now instead of my 40 that kept me on my feet. So that being said (provided something doesn't change), I can say byebye to:
-Staying in this apartment.
-NOT going back to work at Papa Joe's again.
-Going to college next fall.

My life is bangin', right? Not too mention my boss JUST got a raise. Isn't that some fucking shit?

So right now I have applications in at multiple places. Staples and a security job at the hospital to name 2. I have to meet someone tomorrow to turn in an application for a company that takes care of the mentally disabled. And, honestly, I hope I get it. It seems like such a fulfilling job and something that I would honestly enjoy. So, let's hope for the best?

Not to mention I heard something that I didn't need to hear at one of the most stressful points in my life. No fucking wonder I picked up smoking again.

I need to run. Somewhere. Get rid of all this real world bullshit and just live like a human should. Fuck. This.

Conversation between my girlfriend's father and I.

Todd
"Hey fucker. I bought you some more condoms."
Me
"Oh, awesome. Thanks."
Todd
"Yeah, go screw yourself."


I'm obviously going to enjoy living in this new apartment.

You know, for the most part, days off aren't all that great.

I have had the WHOLE day off today. For a while, it wasn't too bad. Got the 360 hooked back up, and discovered some decent music I guess. Besides that, though, I got nothing accomplished. Not only that, but the day actually wasn't that fantastic. Mom and I got into a huge argument and I ran off for a few hours to Jim's. That was okay, I guess, but now I'm just bored as all hell back at the house now. I'll probably end up doing some reading and then calling it an early night, I guess.

Hopefully, soon, I'm getting my motorcycle. Then sometime within the next few months buying a bike off my friend Jordan. I'm........extremely stoked about that.

I start my new job at ACS on Monday. So happy about that. Still working at Papa Joe's, but only for about 1 or 2 days a week. Hopefully. I dunno. If it sucks too bad then I'll just quit there.

Megan and I move into our new apartment in about 2 weeks if all goes as planned. I can't even begin to say how excited I am for this. 'nuff said.

Megan and I are also going to Keyser game on Friday. She wants to go see the pit crew, whom she sorta worked with over the summer. Apparently I'm being introduced? For some odd reason I'm excited about it. Never have I had a girlfriend who wanted to introduce me to people. It's extremely sweet, I think.

Dogjaw is progressing extremely well. We've moved on and changed a few things around. I play bass and sing now, which I'm satisfied with. I'm psyched about Jim playing guitar now. Not only that, but we're sort of getting out there. I mean, we're potentially playing a show with Cobra Skulls and Dead To Me at some point in the future maybe. Not only that, but planning a tour? Oh, and we're about to release our first album. AND we have enough songs for 2 more albums. Who knows where this will go?

The future looks extremely promising right now for me, and I'm extremely happy with how things are going. I'm happy I didn't get to Shepherd now, because I would've lost out on so much.

Yeah, man. I'm digging my lifestyle choices right now. Until now, after exploring the job market, I've always thought you had to have a college degree to get ANYWHERE. Thank god you don't. I'd be FUCKED. I probably won't ever go to college. Hopefully, that is. I'd like to make a living without it.

OH! Almost forgot this! Megan and I might be going to Disney World this winter! I'm actually extremely stoked about that. I'm just excited to see her get insanely happy about it, you know? The girl talks about it all the time in such an amazing manner that I can't even begin to describe how I think she'll be when we actually get there. We can afford it too. It's a possibility. A good one.

This girl, dude. That's all that needs to be said.

Pedro The Lion just makes everything intensely worse by about 10 fold.

Things were great. Megan and I had everything settled, and I for real had no real problems that were anything of utmost importance. Now everything has just fucked me over. Megan and I are still together, but a lot of shit came up and now her parents are pissed about how much time we've been spending together, and she's grounded. I feel awful. I feel as if I uprooted her from somewhere she was content. As much as she tells me that I played no part in her coming home from WVU, I can't help but think I possibly was. As shallow and cocky as that sounds, I just can't help myself from thinking that. Not to mention that she wrecked her car. Thank god she wasn't hurt. She could've died. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. She drove home to see me and I'm putting every little bit of what is happening right now on myself. Her parents are extremely upset with her because she failed to tell them that she wrecked because they weren't in the best mood. This is just all my fault. No way around it.

One of my best friends in the whole world no longer talks to me. She's obviously upset that I'm with Megan. I've tried talking to her. Hell, we even hung out when she was back in town, but it just wasn't the same. I feel like when I do try to talk to her, I get nothing out of her and she's just pissed off with me. I've since just stopped talking to her. She's in a place where she's so much happier, and I'm happy for her. She's seizing the opportunity that I couldn't, and I'm happy for her. I'm just so upset about her completely hating me. Her also successfully causing another one of my friends (who is also one of her friends) to potentially hate me has also been quite a stress. As much as I've texted this person, I've gotten nothing. To know that I've laughed my ass off with these people and now they're total strangers is just so disconcerting to me that I can't even handle it.

I have no idea what I've done, or any idea how to fix it, but I just want things to go back to being okay. I want Megan and I just to move into this apartment, problem free, and have things finally settled for once in my fucking life.

Dad and I are going job rooting tomorrow for me. I'm potentially joining the Carpenter's Union. Not where I saw myself at all back in high school, but I do sort of enjoy that kind of thing. Maybe that's a positive side. I don't know.

Life needs to get back to being on track. I want to be content for once.

Finding my wife, FTW.

What?

Life's good.

My band just got finished our first album. I'm quite satisfied.

I have a new job that I will, most likely, get. It pays quite well, but I'm not sure if I want it because I like how my current job is lax with shows and stuff. I mean, I could always just grab more hours there. No big deal, I guess.

So, yeah. Sort of went up to Morgantown to hang out with someone. Basically had a blast. Hung out with an old friend. We went to Cooper's Rock, went to Cheddar's to eat, and just sort of hung out around her apartment. Watching Neverending Story with her was damn hysterical. Most fun I've had in quite a while. So, we're watching this movie and she non-nonchalantly sets her head on my shoulder. I'll just say that it was one of those things that sort of made everything better. I mean, I obviously have feelings for this girl, so it was just.....yeah. It made me happy. During the whole thing we were sort of getting closer and closer to each other. I mean, I was doing it on purpose. I don't know. We finally end up just sort of chilling out and watching YouTube videos. Really close together, might I add. Somehow I end up holding her hand, and eventually we go to bed and we're sort of cuddling. I mean, not sort of, but we ARE. I couldn't even believe it, to be honest. Eventually we just end up kissing. I don't know how it happened, but it just did. It was amazing. In review, I showed up there having feelings for this girl, nothing enormous, sort of just a silly crush I guess. But I left feeling so much different. In a great way, that is. Like, we just clicked. There's no other way to explain it. I THINK she feels the same way about me. THINK. Even looking at how our conversations go through text messages, it just sort of seems like it. I don't know how to bring it up with her! Sure, she lives an hour and a half away, but the distance doesn't matter. Not anymore it doesn't. Besides, she deserves a good guy. I'm not trying to brag, but I think I'm a pretty decent person. It seems like she's had a lot of guys that were dicks to her, and that just sets me off because she deserves so much better. I wanna give that to her. Ya digg? Hopefully it works out. I couldn't take another one of those "spur of the moment" bits.

Peace.

MAN!

Life got REALLY great all of a sudden. Like, for real! I started talking to a long lost friend again, who now lives in Morgantown, and I have plans to go visit with her maybe next week! We're sharing new music and such, so it's cool that we've started talking again. Not to mention.....well...nevermind. :). Haha.

My job is going well, except for the fact that we had a bunch of dickheads come in today, but oh well. That's Fort fuckin' Ashby for you.

I'm really happy with where Dogjaw is going. Potentially playing a show with Dead To Me is overwhelming. I wanna try and plan out a tour. I'm sad that Tim is leaving us for a while, but he'll still play with us over breaks and such when he's home. If the music scene around here starts growing even more I just may stay around here after all.

Dad got a job in North Carolina working for my Grandad. He won't be home much, but hey, it's a job. I'm not as beat up about it as Mom and my sisters are. I mean, we'll still be communicating. Plus it could be a whole lot worse.

I'm havin' my birthday party next week! I really don't wanna have one, but what the fuck ever. Mom wants me to have one so I guess I should.

I guess that's all for now!

PS. She's a cutie.

From Her Lips To God's Ears.

The more I keep thinking about how much life has changed for me recently, the more horrible it seems to get. When Dad lost his job I just thought things would be okay, and in a way they are, but I just wish I could go back to being as happy as I honest to God was. I had so much to look forward to. I was so damned excited to be heading to Shepherd. Not just to get the hell out of this town, but to finally be on my own as I've always wanted it to be. I had already met someone there that I was really good friends with. Now I'm here for another year. In 9 days, if things would have went according to plan, I would be moving into my dorm. Instead, I'll be working at the pizza shop and maybe trying to get a different job.

Today I went to the mall to pick up applications for a few different stores. Walden Books, Radio Shack, GameStop, and MidAtlantic ProTel (You know, the At&t booth?) I almost cried on the drive home because that was the point where it finally hit me that I'm not getting out of here any time soon. Granted, I am extremely happy that we're still making it by. Hell, Mom even picked up a second job that isn't too much stress and pays well. So for the things that are vital to our survival as a family unit, we're doing pretty well. I just can't imagine what things are gonna be like on the 12th, though. To know I would've been moving in that day. That is gonna be a rough day, my friend.

I don't know what to do with my "love life" if that's what you want to call it. I am obviously not going to be with, you know, that one girl. That hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally snapped to and realized that she wasn't going to have the same feelings for me. It's still very nice to be her friend, though, so maybe things aren't so bad with her. When she goes to Shepherd without me, though, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I've been missing a certain one of my ex's a lot lately, but not in a romantic manner. Just in a friendship manner. We don't speak anymore, and when we do it's like we never knew each other. She came into the pizza shop the other day and it was probably one of the worst days I've ever had there. We didn't have any conflict with each other or anything, but just the face that when we said "Hey" to each other, it was like we were only ever acquaintances. For the love of God, I loved the girl. I just wish I wasn't struggling with the thought of her potentially hating me for no reason right now. Now onto the girl I currently am trying to make things work with. I. am. clueless. I think we're seeing each other tomorrow and going to The Warren to see Perfect Future's homecoming show, which should be rad. I just hope I maybe get some alone time with her just to talk. I feel like I only ever see her in a multi-personal setting, which kinda sucks. Oh well. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've been reflecting on some past decisions a lot lately. Realizing how much of a complete asshole I was to a few individuals, and I really wish I could take back what I did. I just wish that I could somehow fix things with these people and make them not hate me, but they have all rights to. I mean, I saw one of these people not too long ago and I said hey to them. That person ignored me. I can't blame them. I guess I thought that maybe time healed the problem seeing as how it was 4 years ago, but it didn't. I totally deserved it, though. I really fucked up. I know you're supposed to sort of live with no regrets and shit, but who can do that in all honesty? If I could go back in time and change anything, I would probably stop those events from happening. I feel absolutely horrible about it now that I've sort of matured.

I've had a headache for about a week straight, not a real strong one, but enough to annoy the shit out of me. Maybe I should just try and quit stressing or go see a doctor? I don't know. Or I could just talk to someone about all of this, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why, but I just can't.

I guess it's good to get your thoughts out on something abstract.

Sort of like the internet. Yeah. This summer, for me, has been a shitstorm of worries and emotions. Let's get started with the least awful. Trying to get ready for college is more of a pain than I ever thought it would be. For real. I can't even put it into words it's just that bad. I can get past it, though. I know things will be okay with that.

What's next? Oh, having to break up with a girl I actually did love and not have a single problem with really blew. I'm getting over it, though. So yeah, things will be okay there. I know I don't have feelings for her anymore, but it's just difficult at times. You know.

Let's see......I hate my job. So much. Do you have any idea how many complete idiots I have to put up with? Slowly but surely I'm starting to hate all of my co-workers as well. I just need to get the hell out of there. It's almost annoying that my parents are asking me to ask for more hours there. They don't ask much of me, they just want me to have some money for Shepherd. I understand. Seriously, though, I hate every second I'm there. 4 more weeks, Caleb, 4 more weeks.

Dogjaw is breaking up soon. Enough said.

Now we're down to the nitty gritty. So there's this girl. Yeah. Like all of my posts, right? It's different, though. She wants us to start on a clean slate because she has some things to deal with here. I understand that. I'll wait as long as it takes. But you know what isn't cool? I don't wanna wait for someone to just tell me that I'm a friend and a friend only. I mean, maybe I'm thinking too much. We did kiss on the 4th, but maybe that's only because I asked. Maybe it was just another one of those "spur of the moment" things that she says happens. Wouldn't be the first time. It's never spur of the moment for me, though.

I've fallen for her harder than any girl I've ever fell for. Is she even over her ex? Is that the baggage? I don't wanna be the 2nd option. I've already had to deal with that too many times to count. I want to know how she really feels about me, but a part of me doesn't want to know the truth. It's already hard enough for me to just get up every morning and move through my day with a fake smile and laugh hoping no one sees what's really going on. Go out. Laugh with your friends. Work your job. Play a show. Pretend to be in a good mood. It's all bullshit. The only time I can say I'm honestly happy anymore is with her. I don't know what I'd do if all of what I'm thinking is true. I just want to be with her and us be happy. That's it. The last time she told me, she just wants a fresh start, but I don't know if that's the real case. I'm really hoping we can just get a fresh start at Shepherd, but I don't even know if she feels the same.

What if she doesn't even feel the same, though? I don't know what I'd do with myself, to be real real honest. To be lied to like this, again, would kill me. Am I just not good enough? I try my best to be a sweet guy. I do. Damn. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, and I know I've really screwed up before, but maybe I'm different now. I've heard I'm a sweet guy, and that I have a personality. If that's true, then that's really all I've got going for me. What does he have that I don't, though? I'm not here to be ignorant, but I know that he's not what she deserves. She shouldn't be put on the backburner and tossed around like she's expendable. She's more than I could put into words to me.

Maybe that letter was over the top. You know what? It was over the top. I bet you that's what screwed everything up. I opened up too much. I NEVER open up that much. The only reason I'm even writing on here is because no one reads this damn thing anymore anyway. I can't talk to people about this. I learned my lesson about opening up to people about this sort of thing after I gave her that letter. Telling her that I really do love her? What the fuck were you thinking, man? That's why things aren't the same.

I need to get the hell over this. I fucked up and I need to man up and realize that no matter what I say or do, she doesn't want to be with me. I'm not good enough for us to be together. There's better. No changing that. This is what is going through my mind right now, and what I imagine happening.

Or maybe everything's fine? Maybe everything's going to be totally okay and we'll have our new slate started in 37 days. Who knows? Now do you see why my summer is full of emotion on worry? This has been every single day since I graduated. Not knowing is the worst, but knowing might be even worse.

I need to hear something that I can believe in. I just need that little ray of hope to get me by.