Sort of like the internet. Yeah. This summer, for me, has been a shitstorm of worries and emotions. Let's get started with the least awful. Trying to get ready for college is more of a pain than I ever thought it would be. For real. I can't even put it into words it's just that bad. I can get past it, though. I know things will be okay with that.
What's next? Oh, having to break up with a girl I actually did love and not have a single problem with really blew. I'm getting over it, though. So yeah, things will be okay there. I know I don't have feelings for her anymore, but it's just difficult at times. You know.
Let's see......I hate my job. So much. Do you have any idea how many complete idiots I have to put up with? Slowly but surely I'm starting to hate all of my co-workers as well. I just need to get the hell out of there. It's almost annoying that my parents are asking me to ask for more hours there. They don't ask much of me, they just want me to have some money for Shepherd. I understand. Seriously, though, I hate every second I'm there. 4 more weeks, Caleb, 4 more weeks.
Dogjaw is breaking up soon. Enough said.
Now we're down to the nitty gritty. So there's this girl. Yeah. Like all of my posts, right? It's different, though. She wants us to start on a clean slate because she has some things to deal with here. I understand that. I'll wait as long as it takes. But you know what isn't cool? I don't wanna wait for someone to just tell me that I'm a friend and a friend only. I mean, maybe I'm thinking too much. We did kiss on the 4th, but maybe that's only because I asked. Maybe it was just another one of those "spur of the moment" things that she says happens. Wouldn't be the first time. It's never spur of the moment for me, though.
I've fallen for her harder than any girl I've ever fell for. Is she even over her ex? Is that the baggage? I don't wanna be the 2nd option. I've already had to deal with that too many times to count. I want to know how she really feels about me, but a part of me doesn't want to know the truth. It's already hard enough for me to just get up every morning and move through my day with a fake smile and laugh hoping no one sees what's really going on. Go out. Laugh with your friends. Work your job. Play a show. Pretend to be in a good mood. It's all bullshit. The only time I can say I'm honestly happy anymore is with her. I don't know what I'd do if all of what I'm thinking is true. I just want to be with her and us be happy. That's it. The last time she told me, she just wants a fresh start, but I don't know if that's the real case. I'm really hoping we can just get a fresh start at Shepherd, but I don't even know if she feels the same.
What if she doesn't even feel the same, though? I don't know what I'd do with myself, to be real real honest. To be lied to like this, again, would kill me. Am I just not good enough? I try my best to be a sweet guy. I do. Damn. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, and I know I've really screwed up before, but maybe I'm different now. I've heard I'm a sweet guy, and that I have a personality. If that's true, then that's really all I've got going for me. What does he have that I don't, though? I'm not here to be ignorant, but I know that he's not what she deserves. She shouldn't be put on the backburner and tossed around like she's expendable. She's more than I could put into words to me.
Maybe that letter was over the top. You know what? It was over the top. I bet you that's what screwed everything up. I opened up too much. I NEVER open up that much. The only reason I'm even writing on here is because no one reads this damn thing anymore anyway. I can't talk to people about this. I learned my lesson about opening up to people about this sort of thing after I gave her that letter. Telling her that I really do love her? What the fuck were you thinking, man? That's why things aren't the same.
I need to get the hell over this. I fucked up and I need to man up and realize that no matter what I say or do, she doesn't want to be with me. I'm not good enough for us to be together. There's better. No changing that. This is what is going through my mind right now, and what I imagine happening.
Or maybe everything's fine? Maybe everything's going to be totally okay and we'll have our new slate started in 37 days. Who knows? Now do you see why my summer is full of emotion on worry? This has been every single day since I graduated. Not knowing is the worst, but knowing might be even worse.
I need to hear something that I can believe in. I just need that little ray of hope to get me by.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
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